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Infamy at last

June 9, 2010

If you’re reading this, there’s a 98% chance you know me personally. The other 2% of you randomly ended up here and are likely gone before you even get to these words. I have a feeling that 2% group is about to grow, and they’re not likely to find what they’re searching for — you’ll know why in a moment…

If you know me and my real name, you’ll understand why my online presence is usually masked by a pseudonym. When my parents threw all those vowels against the wall and wrote down the result on my birth certificate, they probably never imagined that one day my first name would make me one of the most Googleable people on earth. Hell, up until a couple of weeks ago, just entering my first name at resulted in a single auto-complete suggestion: my full name! Nothing else. Try to find another person for which that happens. (No idea why, but this auto-complete behavior is suddenly gone.)

I never imagined that my digital record would go where it now has.

Before you read any further, I suggest you open Google Preferences in another browser window and make sure SafeSearch is set to “moderate”. Feel free to use no filtering, but do so at your own risk. Just remember that I am not responsible for what you see!

Next, go to Google Images and search for wet pants. NO, STOP! Before you do, I recommend you close your eyes and form a mental image of what you might see. Yes, it’s pretty much what you expect from a million internet trolls posting and reposting images. It is not Oh, little Billy got me in the knee with a water balloon! or  That wave came out of nowhere and soaked my jeans, I should have rolled them up to my knees before walking on the beach!

Okay, go ahead and search. I’ll be here when you return…

Did you scan through the first page of hits? See anything familiar? Maybe the fifth image?

I KNOW! I KNOW! I couldn’t believe it either! You’re probably thinking the exact same thing I was when I first saw that image: “Holy shit you look skinny!”

Yes, I was. Good times. But if you look a little closer you may notice that IT APPEARS AS IF I HAVE URINATED MYSELF.

I am here to admit publicly that, yes, I am the subject in the FIFTH-MOST FAMOUS IMAGE DEPICTING INCONTINENCE (search results archived on June 9, 2010).

It’s even more incredible if you know that a derogatory nickname I was given as a middle-schooler was “Urine”. You get it? It rhymes with my actual name and starts with the same letter! I believe that this photo becoming so popular was fate, predetermined long before thousands of pee-pee-freaks copy-and-pasted me into a million different fetish sites. In fact, I believe my destiny is to become the first hit on Google. And not just for wet pants, but for many other almost-as-illustrious search terms such as bedwetting, denim urinator, and saturated undies.

For now, I will have to enjoy the accomplishment of just making it to fifth place. That’s just two spots from the podium! I have no doubt that getting to the top position will be a long, difficult race of attrition — just look at my competitors:

Fergie: Yes, it seems that “The Dutchess” herself has a head start on me, apparently having peed herself regularly during Black Eyed Peas concerts. I’m just glad she didn’t submit photos from her Kids Incorporated days, you know the Firefox freaks would be all over that.
Mr. Sweatpants: Personally, I think he should be removed from contention because wearing such thick, absorbent pants is really unfair when you consider everyone else is in cargo shorts, jeans, or lacy panties. Shouldn’t matter though, his pants may technically be wet, but it sure looks like the source was his belly button and I do NOT think that is the effect the internet is looking for.
Drunk frat guy: The photo lacks originality, but I have a feeling this might be a regular occurrence at Kappa Kappa Urea and we might be seeing a lot more from him.
Limber Lizzy: Have you ever seen me stretch my hamstrings? It’s not pretty. If she keeps this up I may be in big trouble.
Liam Friggin Neeson: This is a level of competition I was never prepared for. An A-list tough-guy actor. He’d have already won by a mile if he’d managed to piss himself a little less unilaterally. Only one side of the zipper? Bring it, Liam.

My competition is stiff, but remember: we’re in the amateur category. The Pros compete at a whole other level: “SafeSearch = OFF”. I’m currently ranked highly over there, too, but I don’t stand a chance in that crowd.

So now you know. I’ve achieved internet fame at a young age and with an embarrassingly simple search term. I have no idea how this photo went viral, and I can’t say that I care to do the legwork to figure that out — some things you can never un-see.

As for the story behind the picture? Alas, it is not pee. It has to do with those red beer cups in the background and a certain professional cyclist with butter-fingers. Maybe we should let her tell the story. I’ll be seeing her in a few months. Perhaps I’ll get my revenge!

I’ll be there, Amber, and I’ll be drinking Mountain Dew.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. randmiller permalink
    June 10, 2010 10:49 am

    I had the honor of being engaged in a Gchat conversation with Leon Bucky when he discovered his prominent role in the wet-pants fetish world. Here are a few candid highlights from that discussion:

    Me: but seriously
    ANYONE that has a wet pants fetish
    has looked at your wet crotch
    Me: because that’s the FIRST thing you would google
    Leon: LLOLO

    Note that, in spite of his usual well-written style, Leon LOLs on Gchat like a high school girl.

    Here’s the best part:

    Leon: Or look, here I am TOO!
    I’m right next to FERGIE.
    Me: does someone sit there and just earch the internet
    waiting for photographs of wet pants
    that they get turned on by?
    im f*&king laughing my ass off here
    Leon: Me, too.
    Me: milf-thing
    Leon: I think I just woke the baby.
    Me: you’re on
    Leon: I KNOW. HOLY SHIT.
    Me: im losing it over here

    I haven’t laughed that hard in years; as I said, I was losing it. I think it had something to do with the fact that I was internet-chatting with a grown man while searching for strange porn fetishes. Fancy that.

  2. Paul permalink
    June 10, 2010 1:04 pm

    As the guy who threw the vowels in the air when you were born, I had a similar experience years ago, when Google was young and there weren’t so many links to folks with my name. Searching my name turned up a fetish site, and a scene in one of my novels was touted to fetishists who liked BATS, which stands for burned at the stake. There were sections for all sorts of fetishes, and the BATS section had a post about a scene in SONG OF THE MOHICANS, where the hero and heroine are almost burned alive. There are some strange folks out there.

  3. July 26, 2010 10:58 pm

    Am I really the first to say I nearly peed myself reading this?

  4. July 26, 2010 11:01 pm

    Yes, Kim, you are. After about 20x the normal page views on any of my posts, I was a bit surprised how quiet the audience was. I think everyone didn’t know whether to laugh *at* me or *with* me.


  1. Fun with Search Terms « Counterattacking Reality

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